Why I walked away from the best relationship I ever had
In 2019 I walked away from the best (and the most frustrating) relationship I that I ever had.
I’d been actively single for 6 years and then I met someone totally unexpectedly – and I mean, unexpected in that I wasn’t looking to meet someone and unexpected in that many ways they were the opposite of the type of person that I thought I eventually wanted to have a relationship with.
This relationship was HUGE for me – it challenged me, it stretched me and it cracked my heart open – not only did I let myself love someone, I let them love me back.
The relationship was complicated in oh-so-many ways and yet it was also really simple. It felt so easy to be with the other person and for the first time in my life I was truly seen. They saw all of me and they didn’t run away, they saw all of me and they still wanted to stay.
Now before I go full rose-tined glasses, this was also hands-down the most frustrating relationship I have ever been in. It was, at times, really hard work and yet, weirdly, it was perfect.
It was perfect in that it was exactly what it was supposed to be – no more, and no less.
It was never supposed to be “forever”, it was supposed to teach me all that it did, to crack open my heart and then… and then it taught me my final and most painful lesson – to let it go.
I’d like to say that I took this lesson in my stride and let go with grace and gratitude but that would be a big fat lie! I did, in fact, not take it in my stride, nor did I let go with grace. The more I felt that it was time to let it go the tighter I tried to hold on… and the more it slipped away. The days leading up to my decision to finally let it go and set us both free were painful. Knowing that the best relationship of my life so far was ending and that I was the one who had to call time on things literally bought my to my knees. I remember doing housework in an effort to distract myself from my feelings and then feeling my heart rip apart so suddenly that I fell to my knees sobbing. I wasn’t really sleeping and at times my entire body felt physically numb. I was reaching out to anything and everything that I could grab on to try and keep the relationship afloat. I was terrified that if I let this relationship go then I wouldn’t ever have anything like that again in the future – I’d never been seen in that way, I’d never love in that way again, that no one else would ever love me and I’d be alone and lonely and unloved for ever.
And that was the final part of that last lesson, learning to let go and learning to trust that more love was out there.
Breathwork had helped me to see where I’d previously held onto unhealthy relationships out of a fear that I’d never be loved again, it had taught me about needing to let go so that new things can come in and, it had helped me to see that I was “good enough” and worthy of being loved exactly as I am.
In all honesty I probably wouldn’t have entered into that relationship in the first place if it hadn’t been for breathwork – I simply wouldn’t have let anyone in. And I definitely wouldn’t have been able to let it go and walk away if it hadn’t been for breathwork.
So it was me that picked up the phone that day to make the call, it was me that sent the message when my call wasn’t answered. It was me that called time. It was me that walked away.
In the actual moment of the walking away I did have grace, I did have gratitude and it came from a place of trust, openness and love. I felt myself full of love for the other person, full of gratitude to them and to the relationship that we had. I also felt some love, compassion and gratitude to and for myself for going through it all – for saying yes, for being brave and open, for trusting, for growing (even when I didn’t want to), for loving and letting myself be loved, for believing in love again and for trusting that the reason some things are perfect is because they aren’t supposed to be forever.
