Maybe we're not supposed to know
Maybe we’re not supposed to know what the answer is, where we are going, what the future holds, what is the ‘right’ decision. Maybe the gold is in figuring it out. If I knew the destination I could go there straight away, take a short cut, bypass the messiness, the wrong turns, the dead ends… but doing that would mean I’d miss out on all the learning I did along the way, I’d miss out on all the things I saw on my way down the dead end and miss out on all the people I met along that wrong turn.
If I got to the destination directly and immediately would it still feel the same? Would i still hold the same meaning? Would I even recognise it as the destination had I not traveled the path to get reach it?
There’s a line in Matrix 3 spoken by The Oracle about the true cost of a decision. “Would you make the same decision again knowing what it cost you the last time?” That line got me thinking – if you knew the end point, or the ‘answer’, would you still take those ‘wrong’ paths, the detours, if you knew they weren’t on the most direct route to The Destination?
If I knew the pain of having to let go of a relationship with someone I still loved would I have gotten involved in the first place? If I had known the pain of someone close to me dying would I still have loved them as deeply? If I’d had known that success was just out of reach would I still have worked so hard to get there? Honestly, I don’t know. I think the ‘not knowing’ at the time was what I needed…
If I’d known about the pain of letting go of a relationship with someone I still loved I would probably have chosen not to get involved. And, I’ve have missed out on experiencing a deep soul connection.
If I had known how it feels to say a final goodbye to someone, I may not have loved them so freely nor might I have allowed myself to create so many memories of the ordinary things that now seem so special. If I’d known I wouldn’t be able to run at my first triathlon because I’d be recovering from a broken foot, I’m not sure I’d have put in the hours and hours of training and I would have missed out on creating new connected friendships, strengthening existing friendships and becoming part of such a supportive community.
As much as it does my head in not to know what the ‘right choice’ is or what I’m ‘supposed to do’ I do, today, right now, understand that I’m not supposed to. I can’t promise that tomorrow I’ll still understand and, honestly, as someone who likes to think they are in control of everything, I’ll probably flip between the ‘It’s ok, I’m not supposed to know’ and the ‘But I just want to know” for a while longer yet.
But this is where I am at right now and the not knowing brings me comfort.
