Soul seeking connection
For a long time I was alone but I wasn’t really lonely (mostly because I never gave myself time to realise it), but the current restrictions in Melbourne have changed that.
A single person, living alone, only allowed out of my home for an hour a day (& no further than 5km from home) – no gym, no running with my training group, no sharing food and funny stories, no walks with deep & meaningful chats with friends.
I feel disconnected from my chosen communities
I finished up at my day job back in June so the incidental communication with co-workers and friends is no longer. While I’m still in contact with many of those friends, the connection of a shared work place is no longer there. But, then again, neither is that fake feeling of being connected simply because I’d spent all day responding to emails. I feel adrift from a place where I spent the last 5 years of my life yet I have no desire to paddle back.
There are fewer people in the streets and of those I do pass on the mornings I walk up & down the hilly streets nearby, some respond when I say “Hello” or “Morning”, others don’t often plugged into earphones engaged in listening to music or a podcast or being in another conversation. Admittedly with everyone in a mask and often wrapped up against the winter chill, the conversation would be, at best, muffled, awkward and fairly short.
Before the restrictions I could happily go through my weekend only talking, in person, with a few people.
Take away the weekday work chatter, my gym community, my ability to run with friends and all the rest and… there’s an awful lot of quiet.
I’ve happily filled this void with creating and learning (alongside looking for a job) but recently there’s been a twinge in my heart around relationships – the deeply connected & intimate partner type of relationships. Until last year I had never truly experienced one of these. I’d been in a number of long term relationships but, upon fairly recent reflection, they were never deeply connected at a soul or any other level (in hindsight some were quite flawed to say the least.) The one deeply connected relationship I that I was in last year taught me that this IS something that is possible, that this kind of relationship DOES exist and that it IS real.
Fast forward to now and I am acutely aware of how small, how narrow, the opportunity to meet someone with whom I may have another deeply connected intimate relationship is. Now don’t get me wrong, I am a big believer in relationships blooming from meeting people, in real life, in random places. I believe in love. I’m just not sure how something like that might bloom right now. I know it won’t be like this forever, I know the future is full of possibility, I know…
I guess now I’m just feeling it in my heart.
I saw this leaf – the one on the photo above – on the pavement (US translation: sidewalk) a few days ago when I was out for a walk one morning…
The Universe left it there for me as a reminder.
…it reminded me that love is still alive, it is still out there and that the deeply connected relationship that I seek is still out there too.
