Self talk matters.

It can be easy to trash talk ourselves. To be mean to ourselves. To be our own worst critic. Often calling ourselves names, questioning our decision making skills and, even our own worth.

Sometimes it’s just internal, the words we berate ourselves with going round and around in our heads. But, the thing with saying those things in our heads is that sometimes it them spills over into how we talk about ourselves to others. We find ourselves telling other people that we are “an idiot”, “so stupid”, “a fool” or worse…

When you say those things out loud you’re brain hears them and take it as evidence that you are, in fact, useless, stupid etc

So, why does it matter?
Well, firstly because it can make you feel like crap. You can start to loose your self confidence, your perception of yourself can start to change – you go from “having failed” to “being a failure”.

PLUS, As well as being less likely to try whatever it was that you did again, you’re also less likely to try anything else new, or scary, or different, again in the future.

And honestly, it’s just miserable to hear someone call you names all day, no matter who they are.

Ever tried going to a job interview and speaking confidently about how awesome you are with the “you’re an idiot, you never get anything right” tape going round and around in your head? Not exactly a recipe for success.

Years ago I used to sit at my desk and call myself a dumbass. If I’d heard anyone call my best friend a dumbass because she made the same mistake I did on a spreadsheet, I’d have told them not to be so mean. I’d have told them that everyone makes mistakes and that just because my friend made one tiny mistake did not give them the right to say those things.

Pretty sure my friend would have done the same for me should the situation have been reversed. So, why then, do we talk to ourselves like that? And, how do we change that habit?

The first step is about noticing – you can’t change something you can’t see.
Listen to how you talk to yourself in your head AND out loud.
Not judgement, and no beating yourself up when you do notice (or when you forget to notice) either!

You might notice there’s a particular word or phrase you tell yourself, or that say about yourself to others. Maybe you notice a particular situation or circumstance in which you say it, or maybe it’s more prevalent when you speak to a particular person

Remember, not judgement, you’re just noticing. You’re gathering data.

When you’ve got a clearer picture of what you say and when you’re likely to say it, decide what you’d like to say instead. Maybe it’s “Yeah, I got that thing wrong, I’m still learning about that”, or “I wish I didn’t make that decision but I did what I thought was best at the time”, or maybe it’s just saying the thing and removing the judgement “I made a mistake”

Next time you find yourself talking to That Person or in That Situation, try and catch yourself before the words slip out. It’s ok if you don’t get it the first few times. And it’s totally ok to correct yourself “Ah, I take that back, I’m not XXX, I’m being a bit mean to myself there.” Remember, no being mean to yourself as you practice this bit!

Over time, as you get more practiced at noticing and making a conscious decision to say something else either in your head or to another person, you might like to try something like “It’s ok sweetie, you tried a new thing for the first time, you’re still figuring it out” or “we all make mistakes, it’s part of being human” or maybe even “well, that went totally wrong but it’s actually hilarious and next time I’ll try and do it a little differently” Like when I made aquafaba meringues – the “white, light and fluffy” meringues were neither white nor fluffy… but they were incredibly fragile (See them in all their glory).

Eventually you won’t have to make such a conscious effort to think about it. The kinder words will automatically pop into your brain or out of your mouth. Eventually you’ll be talking to yourself like you’d talk to your own best friend.

If you’d like some support during this process, coaching and breathwork can help. Breathwork can help you build more compassion for yourself and coaching can help you work through a plan about how to change the habit.

If you’re ready to try coaching & / or breathwork, book in for a private 1:1 session or drop me an email.